This comment on my last blog, Five Legitimate Reasons to Leave Your Church, really caught my eye, “Leaving would be great except for a believing husband and believing kids… I can’t abandon them. It’s such a trap.” Signed “Mom”
I know many people find themselves in this situation and are interested in the best practices for dealing with it. Here’s my Five Suggestions Staying Sane While Staying for Family.
1. Start with an empowered mindset.
You don’t have to stay. You are choosing to stay because you love your family and you have some reason to believe that they will be harmed (or lost in some way) if you leave. This is powerful because it means you are not a victim. This is an act of love. You are choosing this because you care about your family. You are making what is, possibly a very painful and unpleasant choice for you personally because you love your family.
2. Find support away from your family.
Both you and your family are probably dealing with a lot of powerful emotions. You’ll probably need to vent, to complain, and to get some sympathy. Since it’s your family’s anxiety about you leaving that has led you to choose to stay, they probably won’t be able to provide effective support for this. It might help to take a look at the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You and your family will both need to go through this process, but you may find yourselves on opposite sides of the fence. This means that despite the fact that your emotional experiences may be very similar, you may have trouble dealing with some of these stages together. You’ll need to find your own support for processing emotions, especially anger, because you don’t want your family member, who may be experiencing the grief process from the other side of the fence to feel attacked. Do your venting with someone who can handle it, and who will help you think through skillful ways to talk about your strong emotions with your family. Find a supportive community, go to a group activity, talk to a trusted friend who will understand, join an online community, or find a counselor who understands these issues. If your family complains or is frightened by any of this this remind them you are choosing to stay for them, and this is part of what makes that choice possible for you.
3. Set some boundaries.
You need to be comfortable with the ways in which you are involved. As much as possible avoid being insincere or dishonest. If you are uncomfortable praying, teaching, attending, donating, serving, etc., pay attention to those emotions. Let your family know you are uncomfortable and need to set some boundaries. Use the “confused” tool. Here’s an example: “I feel uncomfortable/dishonest doing (insert item you feel uncomfortable with). I’m confused about why you want me to do something that makes me feel that way. I would prefer to/not to (insert boundary).” Remind them you have made a choice to stay for them and that healthy boundaries are part of what make that possible for you. Don’t insist on talking through things or spend a lot of time on this. Your family may be in denial, or angry, wanting to bargain with you, or depressed. A long conversation at this point probably won’t fix that. Just set the boundary and leave it at that. If you do need to have a conversation about it, try to do it when the issue isn’t imminent or pressing.
4. Focus on the present rather than the future.
Rarely is the present moment terrible. Are you sitting through the most boring sermon or meeting ever? Who are you sitting by? Is it your spouse? Put your arm around her/him and focus on the pleasure of sitting near the person you love. Your Child? Play a game of tick tack toe, write notes, scratch their back, wink at them, and etc. Notice and value their presence in your present. You are sacrificing a lot for this so use the time you are giving them to bring you joy. Find a mindfulness practice that works for you and learn to get centered and present with a few cleansing breaths. When you feel trapped, bring yourself to the present moment. Use your mindfulness practice and remind yourself that you have choices. There are many things you can do in the moment that will bring you joy and pleasure or alleviate your discomfort. Here’s a few: get up and use the bathroom, read a book/surf the web on a handheld device, mentally check out by using the time to think about or plan something you feel passionate about, pay attention to your body, practice mindfulness techniques, etc.
5. Focus on what you still have in common.
It’s rare that the only thing you have in common with someone is religion. Focus on what you still have in common, is there a sport, a hobby, a volunteer job, etc. you can do with the person you love? Now more than ever is the time to cultivate shared interests. Be respectful of the time they need for religious observance, set boundaries for yourself in regards to how much of your time you spend on religious observance. Use the energy you free up to take care of yourself and build your support network.
Discussion: I'd love to get feedback on what you have tried, what has worked and what hasn't. Let me know what you think! Comments below or find me on Facebook.
I know many people find themselves in this situation and are interested in the best practices for dealing with it. Here’s my Five Suggestions Staying Sane While Staying for Family.
1. Start with an empowered mindset.
You don’t have to stay. You are choosing to stay because you love your family and you have some reason to believe that they will be harmed (or lost in some way) if you leave. This is powerful because it means you are not a victim. This is an act of love. You are choosing this because you care about your family. You are making what is, possibly a very painful and unpleasant choice for you personally because you love your family.
2. Find support away from your family.
Both you and your family are probably dealing with a lot of powerful emotions. You’ll probably need to vent, to complain, and to get some sympathy. Since it’s your family’s anxiety about you leaving that has led you to choose to stay, they probably won’t be able to provide effective support for this. It might help to take a look at the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You and your family will both need to go through this process, but you may find yourselves on opposite sides of the fence. This means that despite the fact that your emotional experiences may be very similar, you may have trouble dealing with some of these stages together. You’ll need to find your own support for processing emotions, especially anger, because you don’t want your family member, who may be experiencing the grief process from the other side of the fence to feel attacked. Do your venting with someone who can handle it, and who will help you think through skillful ways to talk about your strong emotions with your family. Find a supportive community, go to a group activity, talk to a trusted friend who will understand, join an online community, or find a counselor who understands these issues. If your family complains or is frightened by any of this this remind them you are choosing to stay for them, and this is part of what makes that choice possible for you.
3. Set some boundaries.
You need to be comfortable with the ways in which you are involved. As much as possible avoid being insincere or dishonest. If you are uncomfortable praying, teaching, attending, donating, serving, etc., pay attention to those emotions. Let your family know you are uncomfortable and need to set some boundaries. Use the “confused” tool. Here’s an example: “I feel uncomfortable/dishonest doing (insert item you feel uncomfortable with). I’m confused about why you want me to do something that makes me feel that way. I would prefer to/not to (insert boundary).” Remind them you have made a choice to stay for them and that healthy boundaries are part of what make that possible for you. Don’t insist on talking through things or spend a lot of time on this. Your family may be in denial, or angry, wanting to bargain with you, or depressed. A long conversation at this point probably won’t fix that. Just set the boundary and leave it at that. If you do need to have a conversation about it, try to do it when the issue isn’t imminent or pressing.
4. Focus on the present rather than the future.
Rarely is the present moment terrible. Are you sitting through the most boring sermon or meeting ever? Who are you sitting by? Is it your spouse? Put your arm around her/him and focus on the pleasure of sitting near the person you love. Your Child? Play a game of tick tack toe, write notes, scratch their back, wink at them, and etc. Notice and value their presence in your present. You are sacrificing a lot for this so use the time you are giving them to bring you joy. Find a mindfulness practice that works for you and learn to get centered and present with a few cleansing breaths. When you feel trapped, bring yourself to the present moment. Use your mindfulness practice and remind yourself that you have choices. There are many things you can do in the moment that will bring you joy and pleasure or alleviate your discomfort. Here’s a few: get up and use the bathroom, read a book/surf the web on a handheld device, mentally check out by using the time to think about or plan something you feel passionate about, pay attention to your body, practice mindfulness techniques, etc.
5. Focus on what you still have in common.
It’s rare that the only thing you have in common with someone is religion. Focus on what you still have in common, is there a sport, a hobby, a volunteer job, etc. you can do with the person you love? Now more than ever is the time to cultivate shared interests. Be respectful of the time they need for religious observance, set boundaries for yourself in regards to how much of your time you spend on religious observance. Use the energy you free up to take care of yourself and build your support network.
Discussion: I'd love to get feedback on what you have tried, what has worked and what hasn't. Let me know what you think! Comments below or find me on Facebook.
Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.