I had the privilege of presenting at the 2015 Exmormon Foundation Conference as a Mental Health Therapist. I presented some of ideas and methods I use with individuals and families dealing with faith transition from Mormonism. The overwhelming response I received (many participants came up to comment to me on different aspects of the presentation that were particularly useful to them or mention issues they wished I had included) has me convinced that I have only scratched the surface of a very important topic. I promised folks I'd share the slides here and will post the youtube video link once it is available.
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Today I had the honor of presenting at the Second Annual Mormon Mental Health Conference. The title of the presentation was Families in Mourning:Managing the Contradictory Grieving Tasks Surrounding Faith Transitions in Family Systems. That's just a fancy way of saying how the heck are we going to get through being on opposite sides of a belief system we used to share? What is happening? Why is it so hard? How do we heal? I've been deeply moved over the past year and a half of working with families and individuals on precisely these issues. Today at the presentation we had a powerful and moving discussion with many people generously sharing their own experiences and perspectives. Every time I meet with people about this I'm struck with what a powerful capacity we have for healing. I promised attendees I'd post the slides I used for the presentation so here it is. Be aware that much of the presentation involved discussion and sharing of stories, none of which are captured in the slide show. Please feel free to contact me for more information or clarification of any points. I'd love your feedback as well! You can make comments below or contact me directly. Here's a PDF version of the slideshow.
My family and I stood in the parking lot of an LDS church for almost four hours last night in support of my friend and colleague John Dehlin, who was facing excommunication from his church due to his work helping LDS individuals cope with the trauma of faith crisis/transitions and his support of such social justice minded causes as marriage equality and women’s equality. The experience brought back a flood of memories of my own experience of spiritual abuse at the hands of the LDS church. Watching the prominent stories of my friend John, and also recently the excommunication of Kate Kelly, I realized I was probably not alone in re-experiencing my own trauma. I felt like it might be worthwhile to take a break from my regularly scheduled blog and write just a bit about dealing with how to handle situations that trigger memories, and emotions we might rather not experience again. To begin with I love this description of trauma by Lynn Margolies, PH.D., a psychologist and former Harvard Medical School faculty and fellow. “The essential psychological effect of trauma is a shattering of innocence. Trauma creates a loss of faith that there is any safety, predictability, or meaning in the world, or any safe place in which to retreat. It involves utter disillusionment.” For many people, a faith transition contains deeply traumatic experiences including fears of abandonment by family and friends, a sense of betrayal by religious authorities, and in all to many cases actual spiritual abuse. For those who have been through such an experience, watching someone they deeply identify with (which has been my experience watching John Dehlin and Kate Kelly) be betrayed by the religion that they were raised in can be extremely emotional and painful. Here are a few symptoms of trauma that might be re-experienced (adapted from Lynn Margolies' excellent article). Re-experiencing: You may find yourself having intrusive memories or flashbacks to events or emotions associated with your own experience. This may also involve nightmares or re-experiencing physical symptoms associated with your traumatic event. Hyperarousal: When exposed to a powerful trigger that reminds you of your own traumatic event, your physiology is aroused. You might have difficulty sleeping or concentrating, you might find yourself more frequently angry or agitated. You may also experience hypervigilance (exaggerated reactions to cues that you are in danger). Normally when dealing with this you might like to check it out with your loved ones, but if they are on the opposite side of the faith fence from you, their reactions may only intensify your painful emotional state. Numbing: In some cases you might also experience emotional numbing, feeling like you are on autopilot, or disconnected from the vitality of life. This is a defense mechanism your mind might use to escape the pain of re-experiencing the trauma. You may find yourself avoiding thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, feeling depressed, or disconnected from the people around you. All of this is a normal reaction to traumatic events, or to a powerful trigger that brings up traumatic experiences from the past. Be gentle with yourself. Know that this is normal and unless it is a chronic problem, it will likely pass. Take good care of yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Find yourself a supportive person who will listen in a nurturing way and talk about what you are feeling. Avoid conversations that leave you feeling abandoned or betrayed by those you love. Recognize that you are having an emotional reaction that is normal, but that it may seem out of proportion to some of the people around you. Take the time and space you need to heal. Reactions such as this often provide us an important opportunity to review our own process of healing and grieving a profoundly painful experience or loss. The hidden gem in the pain we experience around events that trigger these feelings is the opportunity to heal just a bit more. It is a pain akin to physical therapy that works an injured part of the body, helping it stretch and strengthen back into normal functioning. If your symptoms do not abate on their own, you may want to consider seeking out professional help to assist you on this path of healing there are a number of therapists including myself who are adept at helping individuals who have experienced trauma as part of their spiritual journey. Find someone who fits with you and who you feel safe with. Finally, for all of us dealing with these types of issues, I have written a song that I expresses both the pain of loss and the hopes for healing. I am sending it out with much love to my friend John and his family as they go through this very public censure from the church they were raised in. Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.
Continuing our discussion of the family dynamics of Grieving surrounding Faith transition we will discuss the first of J. William Worden's four tasks of mourning the family will need to confront. For background please read my previous blog entry. Task one: Accept the Reality of Loss Completion of this task demands coming full face with the fact that something has changed and will not be changing back. Obstacles: Denying the facts of the loss Denying the meaning of the loss/minimizing the loss Denying the fact that the loss is irreversible Behaviors: It is normal for individuals on both sides of a faith transition to initially feel like there has to be a way for them to arrive on the same page. For the believing family member it can be tempting to try to convince or coerce (repeatedly asking, demanding, begging, arguing, debating, punishing, etc.) the individual in transition to return to the religion/belief. Likewise, it is tempting for the individual in transition to make similar attempts to convince believing family members to take their point of view. Possible areas of conflict: By the time individuals in religious conflict come out to their family about their change in belief they have largely completed task one in regard to their own changes in belief. They have accepted that the religion they belonged to no longer works for them or that they no longer believe in it. They have usually accepted that this is something that is not going to change for them. This is not the case for family who remain in the religion. They often have normal and expectable difficulty facing the reality of the permanent changes their family member’s religious transition will occasion. They may hope that the person in transition is just “going through a phase.” They may attempt to deny the reality of the situation by telling themselves their loved one will “surely change their mind.” They may even actively attempt to change the family members mind about this. Compounding this, it is not uncommon for believing family members to deny the reality and permanence of faith transition by assuming that the person in transition has committed some sort of sin (of commission or omission) which has occasioned what seems to them like a very sudden change in beliefs. Of course this means there is bound to be some conflict. The person in transition should realize that denial is a common obstacle and that their loved one will likely work through this stage of the grieving process given enough time and support. Also important here is to set sensitive but realistic boundaries. There is no reason to repeat rituals and practices, such as daily prayers, attendance at church meetings or ceremonies, or daily scripture study unless the person who has transitioned wants to offer this. Playing along with the idea that there are specific activities that will restore belief only plays into the natural tendency toward denial. Appropriate and sensitive boundaries help prevent conflict and move the whole system toward accomplishment of the first task: accepting the reality of the loss. All members of the family are likely now experiencing a second loss as they realize that their primary support system (family) cannot support them in the task of grieving the loss/adapting to the change. Failing to quickly accept this, or to recognize that denial is a normal and natural obstacle to acceptance of loss and that it will take some time to work through is a common problem when a loved one first discloses religious transition. I’d love to hear stories of how families and couples have worked with this dynamic in their relationships. For now, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to add from your own experience. For the believing family member: It is normal to think this is just a stage. It is normal to feel angry. It is normal to want to change your family member’s mind about their transition. All of this is normal, but it is not helpful. In the interest of preserving your relationship, it is probably a good idea to find a way to process this away from your family member who is in transition. Reach out to friends or an online forum for support. The anonymity of online support is often important because it can be stigmatizing to a family for it to be public knowledge that one of them has experienced a faith transition. For the transitioning individual: It is normal to expect your loved ones to be there for you and support you. It is normal to feel like you should be able to make them see your point of view, or at the very least be understanding and accepting of your journey. It is normal to expect them to comfort you if you’ve been through a painful experience. It is normal to want validation of your experience. For both: Remember that what is normal for you is not at all helpful for your family/significant other. Concentrate on the fact that you have both experienced a loss. Don’t try to process things with each other where your natural and normal instincts are in opposition to each other. Do recognize that you are both hurting, that you both need nurturing, reassurance, acceptance, and love. Don’t push each other to move through this first task faster than you have strength. Find support for processing your loss away from each other if needed. Increase the amount of time you spend in areas of your lives where the difference in religious belief is not an issue (often recreational activities or hobbies). Make a list of nurturing, fun, playful activities you like to do together and spend your time doing that rather than trying to get on the same page with religion. Next we’ll move on to task two: Processing the pain of Grief. You can like my page on Facebook to keep track of when the next entry comes out, or subscribe to my email list by sending me your email address. Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.
Faith transition involves a lot of loss, both for those transitioning and those who do not. Paradoxically, instead of bringing each other closer together, the complex nature of the loss is experienced very differently by individuals on opposite sides of the faith fence. This leads to contradictory grieving tasks and experiences which add tremendous stress and misunderstanding to a situation that is already far too difficult. Grieving has been conceptualized in many ways. Most people are familiar with the “Stages of Grief” proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She described five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance One can easily see how a family member’s normal, healthy, and predictable reactions of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to the news of a loved one’s disclosure of religious transition could run smack into threatening the hard won acceptance that individual has achieved of their own loss of faith. Adding to the complexity of the situation, a religious transition is not a clear cut loss. No one sends you a sympathy card because you discovered you no longer believe and aren’t sure how to handle it. No one calls to see if you are ok when your spouse quits praying at the dinner table. Mourning these changes is made harder by the fact that we lack cultural ritual and systems of support for those going through them. Over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring the tasks of grieving associated with religious transition from both sides of the fence, the individual in transition, and their family/friends who are not. While I’ll make reference to the “Stages of Grief” I prefer to use a model that is less linear and more task focused. J. William Worden, in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, describes a model that includes four tasks. These are: 1. Accept the reality of the loss 2. Work through the pain of grief 3. Adjust to an environment in which that which was lost is missing 4. Find an enduring connection to that which was lost while embarking on a new life In upcoming blogs I’ll discuss the four tasks of dealing with a loss and how they apply in situations related to faith transition. Each stage includes common roadblocks and difficulties. We’ll discuss how families can and can’t support each other on their respective journeys and we’ll pay special attention to how to get through this without hurting each other. While I’ve got plenty to say, I think the discussion will be enriched if it becomes a conversation so I’d love to hear from you about your own struggles with the losses associated with your own or someone else’s faith transition. Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.
This comment on my last blog, Five Legitimate Reasons to Leave Your Church, really caught my eye, “Leaving would be great except for a believing husband and believing kids… I can’t abandon them. It’s such a trap.” Signed “Mom” I know many people find themselves in this situation and are interested in the best practices for dealing with it. Here’s my Five Suggestions Staying Sane While Staying for Family. 1. Start with an empowered mindset. You don’t have to stay. You are choosing to stay because you love your family and you have some reason to believe that they will be harmed (or lost in some way) if you leave. This is powerful because it means you are not a victim. This is an act of love. You are choosing this because you care about your family. You are making what is, possibly a very painful and unpleasant choice for you personally because you love your family. 2. Find support away from your family. Both you and your family are probably dealing with a lot of powerful emotions. You’ll probably need to vent, to complain, and to get some sympathy. Since it’s your family’s anxiety about you leaving that has led you to choose to stay, they probably won’t be able to provide effective support for this. It might help to take a look at the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You and your family will both need to go through this process, but you may find yourselves on opposite sides of the fence. This means that despite the fact that your emotional experiences may be very similar, you may have trouble dealing with some of these stages together. You’ll need to find your own support for processing emotions, especially anger, because you don’t want your family member, who may be experiencing the grief process from the other side of the fence to feel attacked. Do your venting with someone who can handle it, and who will help you think through skillful ways to talk about your strong emotions with your family. Find a supportive community, go to a group activity, talk to a trusted friend who will understand, join an online community, or find a counselor who understands these issues. If your family complains or is frightened by any of this this remind them you are choosing to stay for them, and this is part of what makes that choice possible for you. 3. Set some boundaries. You need to be comfortable with the ways in which you are involved. As much as possible avoid being insincere or dishonest. If you are uncomfortable praying, teaching, attending, donating, serving, etc., pay attention to those emotions. Let your family know you are uncomfortable and need to set some boundaries. Use the “confused” tool. Here’s an example: “I feel uncomfortable/dishonest doing (insert item you feel uncomfortable with). I’m confused about why you want me to do something that makes me feel that way. I would prefer to/not to (insert boundary).” Remind them you have made a choice to stay for them and that healthy boundaries are part of what make that possible for you. Don’t insist on talking through things or spend a lot of time on this. Your family may be in denial, or angry, wanting to bargain with you, or depressed. A long conversation at this point probably won’t fix that. Just set the boundary and leave it at that. If you do need to have a conversation about it, try to do it when the issue isn’t imminent or pressing. 4. Focus on the present rather than the future. Rarely is the present moment terrible. Are you sitting through the most boring sermon or meeting ever? Who are you sitting by? Is it your spouse? Put your arm around her/him and focus on the pleasure of sitting near the person you love. Your Child? Play a game of tick tack toe, write notes, scratch their back, wink at them, and etc. Notice and value their presence in your present. You are sacrificing a lot for this so use the time you are giving them to bring you joy. Find a mindfulness practice that works for you and learn to get centered and present with a few cleansing breaths. When you feel trapped, bring yourself to the present moment. Use your mindfulness practice and remind yourself that you have choices. There are many things you can do in the moment that will bring you joy and pleasure or alleviate your discomfort. Here’s a few: get up and use the bathroom, read a book/surf the web on a handheld device, mentally check out by using the time to think about or plan something you feel passionate about, pay attention to your body, practice mindfulness techniques, etc. 5. Focus on what you still have in common. It’s rare that the only thing you have in common with someone is religion. Focus on what you still have in common, is there a sport, a hobby, a volunteer job, etc. you can do with the person you love? Now more than ever is the time to cultivate shared interests. Be respectful of the time they need for religious observance, set boundaries for yourself in regards to how much of your time you spend on religious observance. Use the energy you free up to take care of yourself and build your support network. Discussion: I'd love to get feedback on what you have tried, what has worked and what hasn't. Let me know what you think! Comments below or find me on Facebook. Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.
There are lots of great reasons to stay in a religious community that you are involved in. Spiritual practice (and by this I mean to include the full range of practice and ideologies from to eastern, western, and shamanic religions to secular humanism) takes work if it is going to be of value, and for many practices, the support of a community is vital, however, there are also many reasons it might be time to move on. Here are a few of them. 1. Abuse Let’s not kid ourselves, abuse happens almost everywhere. The real question is what safeguards are there against abuse and how is it dealt with when it happens. Do the perpetrators get off with a slap on the wrist? Are they left in positions where they can abuse others again? Does the leadership or the group blame the victims instead of the perpetrator? How are individuals who try to address or speak about abuse or misuse of power treated? Abuse can take many forms inside of a religion, and the more authority vested in religious leaders, the more devastating their abuse can be. If you notice abuse happening to yourself or others and it is not being handled openly with a special eye towards protecting the victims of the abuse, maybe it’s time to leave. 2. Shunning Shunning is a form of social rejection sometimes used in close knit communities when someone does not conform to the desired or expected behaviors. Used in a religious context this practice is coercieve and counterproductive to spiritual and/or personal growth. Shunning may be overt or covert. In overt shunning (practiced in some religions) church leaders order members to avoid association with certain members who are not in compliance with certain teachings of the religion or orders from group leaders. Covert shunning is less obvious but equally painful and destructive. Does your group have practices that create moments that visibly highlight individuals who are not in compliance with certain teachings or practices of your religion? Are such individuals denied participation in certain group activities (communion/sacraments or other rituals)? If so, consider finding a group where everyone is valued and invited to full participation. 3. Refusal to Openly Disclose How Donated Funds are Utilized Does your church ask you for money? Do you know how that money is used? There are plenty of sites online to help avoid charity fraud. One key point most of these make is the need for transparency. Does your congregation/church disclose to its donors how donated funds are being used? “Trust us, we’re doing God’s work” is all well and good, but if you can’t openly show us God’s books, maybe it’s time to move on. 4. You Get Blamed No spiritual path is easy, but when you’ve put in the time, energy, and effort, you should see some results. If it’s not working seek consultation. If you get blamed (i.e. you didn’t have enough faith, didn’t work hard enough, didn’t try long enough, weren’t patient enough, haven’t fully repented, are hiding some sin, didn’t donate enough, didn’t sacrifice enough, etc.) you might want to think about finding someone else to assist your spiritual growth. 5. You Want To Don’t stay somewhere that isn’t resonating with you. Follow your heart! Life is too short to waste it hanging out in a place you feel ambivalent about. Seek out your greener pastures. Seek out your adventures. If you have a true spiritual home, it will be waiting for you when you return. If not, you won’t find it by staying put (unless of course you are practicing meditation, then staying put might be useful J) The bottom line is this. This is your one precious life! Don’t waste time agonizing about staying somewhere where there is abuse, shunning, blame, or lack of accountability. Find a spiritual/philosophical home that supports and energizes you, that helps you find joy, peace, and meaning. Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.
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AuthorPeter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City Utah. You can contact him using the link above or call SunDance Behavioral at 801-264-9522 to schedule an appointment. Archives
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