There are lots of great reasons to stay in a religious community that you are involved in. Spiritual practice (and by this I mean to include the full range of practice and ideologies from to eastern, western, and shamanic religions to secular humanism) takes work if it is going to be of value, and for many practices, the support of a community is vital, however, there are also many reasons it might be time to move on. Here are a few of them.
1. Abuse
Let’s not kid ourselves, abuse happens almost everywhere. The real question is what safeguards are there against abuse and how is it dealt with when it happens. Do the perpetrators get off with a slap on the wrist? Are they left in positions where they can abuse others again? Does the leadership or the group blame the victims instead of the perpetrator? How are individuals who try to address or speak about abuse or misuse of power treated?
Abuse can take many forms inside of a religion, and the more authority vested in religious leaders, the more devastating their abuse can be. If you notice abuse happening to yourself or others and it is not being handled openly with a special eye towards protecting the victims of the abuse, maybe it’s time to leave.
2. Shunning
Shunning is a form of social rejection sometimes used in close knit communities when someone does not conform to the desired or expected behaviors. Used in a religious context this practice is coercieve and counterproductive to spiritual and/or personal growth. Shunning may be overt or covert. In overt shunning (practiced in some religions) church leaders order members to avoid association with certain members who are not in compliance with certain teachings of the religion or orders from group leaders. Covert shunning is less obvious but equally painful and destructive.
Does your group have practices that create moments that visibly highlight individuals who are not in compliance with certain teachings or practices of your religion? Are such individuals denied participation in certain group activities (communion/sacraments or other rituals)? If so, consider finding a group where everyone is valued and invited to full participation.
3. Refusal to Openly Disclose How Donated Funds are Utilized
Does your church ask you for money? Do you know how that money is used? There are plenty of sites online to help avoid charity fraud. One key point most of these make is the need for transparency. Does your congregation/church disclose to its donors how donated funds are being used? “Trust us, we’re doing God’s work” is all well and good, but if you can’t openly show us God’s books, maybe it’s time to move on.
4. You Get Blamed
No spiritual path is easy, but when you’ve put in the time, energy, and effort, you should see some results. If it’s not working seek consultation. If you get blamed (i.e. you didn’t have enough faith, didn’t work hard enough, didn’t try long enough, weren’t patient enough, haven’t fully repented, are hiding some sin, didn’t donate enough, didn’t sacrifice enough, etc.) you might want to think about finding someone else to assist your spiritual growth.
5. You Want To
Don’t stay somewhere that isn’t resonating with you. Follow your heart! Life is too short to waste it hanging out in a place you feel ambivalent about. Seek out your greener pastures. Seek out your adventures. If you have a true spiritual home, it will be waiting for you when you return. If not, you won’t find it by staying put (unless of course you are practicing meditation, then staying put might be useful J)
The bottom line is this. This is your one precious life! Don’t waste time agonizing about staying somewhere where there is abuse, shunning, blame, or lack of accountability. Find a spiritual/philosophical home that supports and energizes you, that helps you find joy, peace, and meaning.
1. Abuse
Let’s not kid ourselves, abuse happens almost everywhere. The real question is what safeguards are there against abuse and how is it dealt with when it happens. Do the perpetrators get off with a slap on the wrist? Are they left in positions where they can abuse others again? Does the leadership or the group blame the victims instead of the perpetrator? How are individuals who try to address or speak about abuse or misuse of power treated?
Abuse can take many forms inside of a religion, and the more authority vested in religious leaders, the more devastating their abuse can be. If you notice abuse happening to yourself or others and it is not being handled openly with a special eye towards protecting the victims of the abuse, maybe it’s time to leave.
2. Shunning
Shunning is a form of social rejection sometimes used in close knit communities when someone does not conform to the desired or expected behaviors. Used in a religious context this practice is coercieve and counterproductive to spiritual and/or personal growth. Shunning may be overt or covert. In overt shunning (practiced in some religions) church leaders order members to avoid association with certain members who are not in compliance with certain teachings of the religion or orders from group leaders. Covert shunning is less obvious but equally painful and destructive.
Does your group have practices that create moments that visibly highlight individuals who are not in compliance with certain teachings or practices of your religion? Are such individuals denied participation in certain group activities (communion/sacraments or other rituals)? If so, consider finding a group where everyone is valued and invited to full participation.
3. Refusal to Openly Disclose How Donated Funds are Utilized
Does your church ask you for money? Do you know how that money is used? There are plenty of sites online to help avoid charity fraud. One key point most of these make is the need for transparency. Does your congregation/church disclose to its donors how donated funds are being used? “Trust us, we’re doing God’s work” is all well and good, but if you can’t openly show us God’s books, maybe it’s time to move on.
4. You Get Blamed
No spiritual path is easy, but when you’ve put in the time, energy, and effort, you should see some results. If it’s not working seek consultation. If you get blamed (i.e. you didn’t have enough faith, didn’t work hard enough, didn’t try long enough, weren’t patient enough, haven’t fully repented, are hiding some sin, didn’t donate enough, didn’t sacrifice enough, etc.) you might want to think about finding someone else to assist your spiritual growth.
5. You Want To
Don’t stay somewhere that isn’t resonating with you. Follow your heart! Life is too short to waste it hanging out in a place you feel ambivalent about. Seek out your greener pastures. Seek out your adventures. If you have a true spiritual home, it will be waiting for you when you return. If not, you won’t find it by staying put (unless of course you are practicing meditation, then staying put might be useful J)
The bottom line is this. This is your one precious life! Don’t waste time agonizing about staying somewhere where there is abuse, shunning, blame, or lack of accountability. Find a spiritual/philosophical home that supports and energizes you, that helps you find joy, peace, and meaning.
Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.