Faith transition involves a lot of loss, both for those transitioning and those who do not. Paradoxically, instead of bringing each other closer together, the complex nature of the loss is experienced very differently by individuals on opposite sides of the faith fence. This leads to contradictory grieving tasks and experiences which add tremendous stress and misunderstanding to a situation that is already far too difficult.
Grieving has been conceptualized in many ways. Most people are familiar with the “Stages of Grief” proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She described five stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
One can easily see how a family member’s normal, healthy, and predictable reactions of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to the news of a loved one’s disclosure of religious transition could run smack into threatening the hard won acceptance that individual has achieved of their own loss of faith.
Adding to the complexity of the situation, a religious transition is not a clear cut loss. No one sends you a sympathy card because you discovered you no longer believe and aren’t sure how to handle it. No one calls to see if you are ok when your spouse quits praying at the dinner table. Mourning these changes is made harder by the fact that we lack cultural ritual and systems of support for those going through them.
Over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring the tasks of grieving associated with religious transition from both sides of the fence, the individual in transition, and their family/friends who are not. While I’ll make reference to the “Stages of Grief” I prefer to use a model that is less linear and more task focused. J. William Worden, in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, describes a model that includes four tasks. These are:
1. Accept the reality of the loss
2. Work through the pain of grief
3. Adjust to an environment in which that which was lost is missing
4. Find an enduring connection to that which was lost while embarking on a new life
In upcoming blogs I’ll discuss the four tasks of dealing with a loss and how they apply in situations related to faith transition. Each stage includes common roadblocks and difficulties. We’ll discuss how families can and can’t support each other on their respective journeys and we’ll pay special attention to how to get through this without hurting each other.
While I’ve got plenty to say, I think the discussion will be enriched if it becomes a conversation so I’d love to hear from you about your own struggles with the losses associated with your own or someone else’s faith transition.
Grieving has been conceptualized in many ways. Most people are familiar with the “Stages of Grief” proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She described five stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
One can easily see how a family member’s normal, healthy, and predictable reactions of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to the news of a loved one’s disclosure of religious transition could run smack into threatening the hard won acceptance that individual has achieved of their own loss of faith.
Adding to the complexity of the situation, a religious transition is not a clear cut loss. No one sends you a sympathy card because you discovered you no longer believe and aren’t sure how to handle it. No one calls to see if you are ok when your spouse quits praying at the dinner table. Mourning these changes is made harder by the fact that we lack cultural ritual and systems of support for those going through them.
Over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring the tasks of grieving associated with religious transition from both sides of the fence, the individual in transition, and their family/friends who are not. While I’ll make reference to the “Stages of Grief” I prefer to use a model that is less linear and more task focused. J. William Worden, in his book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, describes a model that includes four tasks. These are:
1. Accept the reality of the loss
2. Work through the pain of grief
3. Adjust to an environment in which that which was lost is missing
4. Find an enduring connection to that which was lost while embarking on a new life
In upcoming blogs I’ll discuss the four tasks of dealing with a loss and how they apply in situations related to faith transition. Each stage includes common roadblocks and difficulties. We’ll discuss how families can and can’t support each other on their respective journeys and we’ll pay special attention to how to get through this without hurting each other.
While I’ve got plenty to say, I think the discussion will be enriched if it becomes a conversation so I’d love to hear from you about your own struggles with the losses associated with your own or someone else’s faith transition.
Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.