Continuing our discussion of the family dynamics of Grieving surrounding Faith transition we will discuss the first of J. William Worden's four tasks of mourning the family will need to confront. For background please read my previous blog entry.
Task one: Accept the Reality of Loss
Completion of this task demands coming full face with the fact that something has changed and will not be changing back.
Obstacles: Denying the facts of the loss
Denying the meaning of the loss/minimizing the loss
Denying the fact that the loss is irreversible
Behaviors: It is normal for individuals on both sides of a faith transition to initially feel like there has to be a way for them to arrive on the same page. For the believing family member it can be tempting to try to convince or coerce (repeatedly asking, demanding, begging, arguing, debating, punishing, etc.) the individual in transition to return to the religion/belief. Likewise, it is tempting for the individual in transition to make similar attempts to convince believing family members to take their point of view.
Possible areas of conflict: By the time individuals in religious conflict come out to their family about their change in belief they have largely completed task one in regard to their own changes in belief. They have accepted that the religion they belonged to no longer works for them or that they no longer believe in it. They have usually accepted that this is something that is not going to change for them.
This is not the case for family who remain in the religion. They often have normal and expectable difficulty facing the reality of the permanent changes their family member’s religious transition will occasion. They may hope that the person in transition is just “going through a phase.” They may attempt to deny the reality of the situation by telling themselves their loved one will “surely change their mind.” They may even actively attempt to change the family members mind about this.
Compounding this, it is not uncommon for believing family members to deny the reality and permanence of faith transition by assuming that the person in transition has committed some sort of sin (of commission or omission) which has occasioned what seems to them like a very sudden change in beliefs.
Of course this means there is bound to be some conflict. The person in transition should realize that denial is a common obstacle and that their loved one will likely work through this stage of the grieving process given enough time and support. Also important here is to set sensitive but realistic boundaries. There is no reason to repeat rituals and practices, such as daily prayers, attendance at church meetings or ceremonies, or daily scripture study unless the person who has transitioned wants to offer this. Playing along with the idea that there are specific activities that will restore belief only plays into the natural tendency toward denial. Appropriate and sensitive boundaries help prevent conflict and move the whole system toward accomplishment of the first task: accepting the reality of the loss.
All members of the family are likely now experiencing a second loss as they realize that their primary support system (family) cannot support them in the task of grieving the loss/adapting to the change. Failing to quickly accept this, or to recognize that denial is a normal and natural obstacle to acceptance of loss and that it will take some time to work through is a common problem when a loved one first discloses religious transition.
I’d love to hear stories of how families and couples have worked with this dynamic in their relationships. For now, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to add from your own experience.
For the believing family member: It is normal to think this is just a stage. It is normal to feel angry. It is normal to want to change your family member’s mind about their transition. All of this is normal, but it is not helpful. In the interest of preserving your relationship, it is probably a good idea to find a way to process this away from your family member who is in transition. Reach out to friends or an online forum for support. The anonymity of online support is often important because it can be stigmatizing to a family for it to be public knowledge that one of them has experienced a faith transition.
For the transitioning individual: It is normal to expect your loved ones to be there for you and support you. It is normal to feel like you should be able to make them see your point of view, or at the very least be understanding and accepting of your journey. It is normal to expect them to comfort you if you’ve been through a painful experience. It is normal to want validation of your experience.
For both: Remember that what is normal for you is not at all helpful for your family/significant other. Concentrate on the fact that you have both experienced a loss. Don’t try to process things with each other where your natural and normal instincts are in opposition to each other. Do recognize that you are both hurting, that you both need nurturing, reassurance, acceptance, and love. Don’t push each other to move through this first task faster than you have strength. Find support for processing your loss away from each other if needed. Increase the amount of time you spend in areas of your lives where the difference in religious belief is not an issue (often recreational activities or hobbies). Make a list of nurturing, fun, playful activities you like to do together and spend your time doing that rather than trying to get on the same page with religion.
Next we’ll move on to task two: Processing the pain of Grief. You can like my page on Facebook to keep track of when the next entry comes out, or subscribe to my email list by sending me your email address.
Task one: Accept the Reality of Loss
Completion of this task demands coming full face with the fact that something has changed and will not be changing back.
Obstacles: Denying the facts of the loss
Denying the meaning of the loss/minimizing the loss
Denying the fact that the loss is irreversible
Behaviors: It is normal for individuals on both sides of a faith transition to initially feel like there has to be a way for them to arrive on the same page. For the believing family member it can be tempting to try to convince or coerce (repeatedly asking, demanding, begging, arguing, debating, punishing, etc.) the individual in transition to return to the religion/belief. Likewise, it is tempting for the individual in transition to make similar attempts to convince believing family members to take their point of view.
Possible areas of conflict: By the time individuals in religious conflict come out to their family about their change in belief they have largely completed task one in regard to their own changes in belief. They have accepted that the religion they belonged to no longer works for them or that they no longer believe in it. They have usually accepted that this is something that is not going to change for them.
This is not the case for family who remain in the religion. They often have normal and expectable difficulty facing the reality of the permanent changes their family member’s religious transition will occasion. They may hope that the person in transition is just “going through a phase.” They may attempt to deny the reality of the situation by telling themselves their loved one will “surely change their mind.” They may even actively attempt to change the family members mind about this.
Compounding this, it is not uncommon for believing family members to deny the reality and permanence of faith transition by assuming that the person in transition has committed some sort of sin (of commission or omission) which has occasioned what seems to them like a very sudden change in beliefs.
Of course this means there is bound to be some conflict. The person in transition should realize that denial is a common obstacle and that their loved one will likely work through this stage of the grieving process given enough time and support. Also important here is to set sensitive but realistic boundaries. There is no reason to repeat rituals and practices, such as daily prayers, attendance at church meetings or ceremonies, or daily scripture study unless the person who has transitioned wants to offer this. Playing along with the idea that there are specific activities that will restore belief only plays into the natural tendency toward denial. Appropriate and sensitive boundaries help prevent conflict and move the whole system toward accomplishment of the first task: accepting the reality of the loss.
All members of the family are likely now experiencing a second loss as they realize that their primary support system (family) cannot support them in the task of grieving the loss/adapting to the change. Failing to quickly accept this, or to recognize that denial is a normal and natural obstacle to acceptance of loss and that it will take some time to work through is a common problem when a loved one first discloses religious transition.
I’d love to hear stories of how families and couples have worked with this dynamic in their relationships. For now, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to add from your own experience.
For the believing family member: It is normal to think this is just a stage. It is normal to feel angry. It is normal to want to change your family member’s mind about their transition. All of this is normal, but it is not helpful. In the interest of preserving your relationship, it is probably a good idea to find a way to process this away from your family member who is in transition. Reach out to friends or an online forum for support. The anonymity of online support is often important because it can be stigmatizing to a family for it to be public knowledge that one of them has experienced a faith transition.
For the transitioning individual: It is normal to expect your loved ones to be there for you and support you. It is normal to feel like you should be able to make them see your point of view, or at the very least be understanding and accepting of your journey. It is normal to expect them to comfort you if you’ve been through a painful experience. It is normal to want validation of your experience.
For both: Remember that what is normal for you is not at all helpful for your family/significant other. Concentrate on the fact that you have both experienced a loss. Don’t try to process things with each other where your natural and normal instincts are in opposition to each other. Do recognize that you are both hurting, that you both need nurturing, reassurance, acceptance, and love. Don’t push each other to move through this first task faster than you have strength. Find support for processing your loss away from each other if needed. Increase the amount of time you spend in areas of your lives where the difference in religious belief is not an issue (often recreational activities or hobbies). Make a list of nurturing, fun, playful activities you like to do together and spend your time doing that rather than trying to get on the same page with religion.
Next we’ll move on to task two: Processing the pain of Grief. You can like my page on Facebook to keep track of when the next entry comes out, or subscribe to my email list by sending me your email address.
Peter Danzig, LCSW is a therapist in private practice in Salt Lake City, Utah. A main focus of his practice is helping individuals navigate the complexity of changes in religious belief and practice as well as dealing with the intense intra and interpersonal dilemmas that arise around such changes. He also specializes in working with individuals working to heal from religious abuse.